Waiting room overlooking the Mediterranean

The Germans have a saying: Alle Anfang ist schwer - all beginnings are hard. Starting over for the umpty umpth time at almost thirty six (well, one day away by now) is certainly hard for me. And I wonder how smart it was to stay home in Bucharest for five months, as it broke my heart leaving the house I grew up in, that in end I was sharing with barely my cat. Certainly, I have a strong affinity with Spanish culture, I am eager to learn more about Catalunya and I've always dreamed to live close to the Mediterranean, this space where cultures met, clashed and eventually mixed. The trendy and touristy Barcelona certainly doesn't attract me at all, but I am fascinated by its long history and beautiful imaginative buildings. Besides, it's a very functional city, where transports and cleaning work pretty well, and so far people seem to be very nice and helpful, from the bank clerk who gave me visitor information when I went to open my account, to the people who explained me thoroughly the annual celebration - Festa Major, of the sea town Sitges.

I have a strange feeling of being in the right place at the right time, although the job market is a mess, and at the same time I can tell I won't be staying here forever, my guess is that I will move further South, in Spain or another country. But for now I have to stay and learn some new life lessons here. The six months since I left my last job start to weigh on me, I need to keep myself busy, and not exactly entertained, that wouldn't be enough, and it requires money too. Since I came three weeks ago everything has fallen into place, except medical insurance, which depends on my social status: student, worker or no income person. The PhD programme won't start until October and jobs are hard to get, there are many Spaniards and Europeans in competition, although my knowledge of languages and international studies and experience are good assets.

I miss my cat, I wish I could bring her over as soon as possible, but my roomie, who happens to be nice, is allergic at animal hair. At least it's easy to make new friends, I tried the Meetup groups of interest and they work well here too, I can't wait to go hiking this Saturday and the next whole week-end. Nature and art are my best friends when the dark thoughts overcome my enthusiasm.

E la nave va

So I want to leave Canada and go live in an European city of my choice this time, close to the sea, not too far down South or up North. Oh yes, the crisis is still ravaging the business and consequently the job market. By the way, I'm also 35, a little past the age of looking for my own true self around the world and back.

Oh, no! What a crazy idea living this cozy comfy existence of mine, my boyfriend (who can follow me if he chooses to do so), a nice apartment (that I rent anyway), my cat (that I can take with me), this secure and safe job that bores me to death, the many friends of many cultures that I've known for only five years maximum and have to deal with their own lives anyway, like anyone else on this planet. Five years were not enough to grow roots here, and a passport doesn't buy any feelings of belonging or being home. Of course I will miss some people, but being here I miss my friends back home and in other countries. The balance is never even.

Yes, it is a risk, but it occurred to me last night that this is not a one time decision. A while ago I decided once and for all to take risks, to swim against the current, to draw my own path, regardless of what did Mr. X and Mrs. Y. I took a risk when I went to Lisbon in 1997, fresh from university, to work in a Duty Free Shop. Then to Turkey as a waitress on the very pretty island of Büyük Ada, across from the fascinating city of Istanbul. About two months later I was in Athens for the whole of November and I managed to see the Minoic Knossos palace, an old dream of mine. In 2001 I left a career that just started to blossom and I stepped up on a cruiseship and became a qualified seaman aka foreign languages sherpa at sea and on the Caribbean islands.

Canada followed in 2004. I have never been here before, but it was one of the few countries that received immigrants based solely on your request and background. It didn't work out, I'm not fit for North America which is not fit for me. And it doesn't mean Montréal is not nice or Canada is not a beautiful country. It is a marriage that was simply mismatched, also because it was a long distance decision. So I want to try to settle in an European city that this time is not the first opportunity that arrised, but a conscious choice, why should that be bad? How many Romanians left Canada to go to Barcelona? Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar says one of my favorite poems. Maybe it is not the way, but it is MY way and I have to try it, no matter what. As long as there's no matter of life an death, what's the matter?

BLOG IDENTITY

Ouch, since I have my Romanian blog this one gets less and less attention, although it has been my trusty companion since 2005. I managed to practice my English, listen to myself through it, keep track of my thoughts and happenings. All my troubles, joys, self and job searches have gone through here. The funny part is the Romanian blog, although new, gets a lot of feedback, I met many wonderful and unknown people this way. At the same time I'd like to keep writing in English, without translating from one blog to another, or keep re-counting the same things.

This year will be decisive, meaning I might take the way back to Romania. I don't call it home, as I kind of lost the feeling of what home might be. I travelled so much, liked so many things, loved and befriended so many people that it's hard to say. Home might be where your mom is as well. Maybe. My mom shared quite a few destinations with me and we both have an wandering spirit, only hers could not fly free during the dark socialism years.

I don't belong to Canada more than I belong anywhere else. Could be that I don't feel there is a Canadian identity, but just a few values, such as human and civil rights, nature and wide spaces, ecology. A country of simple honest people that just want to live quietly and honestly. A country of no excess. And it seems that even deep in my thirties I still need some kind of spiritual excess, that you can only find here close to the First Nations and the Inuits I guess.

I just got my citizenship but the ceremony felt like one more immigration formality, I literally felt like we were cattle, waiting to be branded (we were all designed by numbers), with a nice maple leaf. Although, looking around me, I saw many hopeful happy faces, of people coming from countries much more problematic than Romania, who really praised the promise of a land where race or religion is not important, as long as you behave like a good citizen. I admit that I am kind of spoiled by destiny, roaming free through life, pretty much as I please, although I had to pay my prices too and I always earned my living. Pretty soon I'll have my master's diploma and the passport. And a decision to make, possibly.

MAY 26 - ANOTHER GRAY DAY

993 days ago

In Bucharest, Barcelona and Rome my friends are talking about going to the seaside for the week-end. Here it started dripping again. Funny kind of late spring.

Know what? I might have only a few years left around here... Maybe

May 21, 06 - I'M FED UP COUNTING MY MONEY:(

997 days ago

I found out Friday that I'll get 2 weeks holiday, although I started working with this company only at the end of March. My first reaction was to check the flights for Spain in June, imagining they would be cheaper than the rest of the summer. Wrong! Nothing less than $1200. Keeping in mind I want to start a master in September and buy a laptop soon, it's not the best idea. I'll probably do something around the Belle Province - Québec's surname. Patience, patience, for how long still?

I feel so frustrated though, it's been years since I'm planning to go see some of Spain and I kept delaying it for the time/money reasons. From the holidays point of view, the usual 2 weeks plus the distances don't make Canada a livable kind of place. I love travelling and I don't see myself being limited at 14 days a year, for at least 5 years, within the same company. Then I would get one week more, and after 10 years, 2. If you change company - back to starting point).

Europe - I miss it so much. Although I have to admit my quality of life, culture wise, foodwise, is better in Montréal than in Bucharest, due to more variety of choice. And I'm not allowed to live in E.U. yet. Maybe next year.

I do realize emigrating to North America at 30 and not at 20 raises an adaptation problem. My personality and tastes are already built up and not prone to change. Maybe if I already had other values and longings. But I don't, and I feel I can't find myself here. Anyway, I still have two years to decide, and destiny has its twists and turns

April 5, 06 - FEEL LIKE SLOWING DOWN

1043 days ago

I don't spend enough time home and there are things I want to take care of: copying quotes from the anthropology books I got from the library (still thinking about going back to school in autumn) and go on with my stories in French about my Italian holidays.

So I definitely have to go out less. With spring coming it's easy to say. I have an hour for lunch though, and as I'm usually bringing my lunch box I could go for half an hour walk then.

My boss is a real gentleman, with a lifetime experience in PR and politics, so there's a lot I can learn from him. My job is mostly secretarial (letters, faxes, worsksheets, expenses account) but the documents I'm dealing with are interesting. There are only 10 people in the office, plus a law firm sharing the floor - and kitchen and reception. So there's no contact outside my co-workers. All senior positions, by the way, except the receptionist. So I'm the little insignificant one. For how long still? Patience, patience, patience.

At least it is a very good company, with excellent skills and connections. I think I'm lucky to have got here after all.

MARCH 10 - ONE DAY IS FINE AND NEXT IS BLACK

1070 days ago

This is the real problem - the ever changing situation, I'm adjusting myself to certain circumstances and in no time they change, and not for better - porca miseria. Yesterday I went to the unemployment office, kind of dizzy, super nervous, in the fainting, not the agressive way. I gave them the paper they were asking for, a form inquiring about the courses I might follow. As there's none, at least until autumn, there's no relevance, but we have to comply with the procedure.

I found out the data the agent I saw last week entered in the computer was saved elsewhere than supposed, so the agent judging my case didn't see it - so now he will have to revise it again! And hopefully Monday release the pay. We're living in a kafkian society, like the purpose is to not make sense.

I do hope to find a job in about 2 weeks or so...

The International Festival of Film on Art just started, I was yesterday at the welcome desk at the Arts Museum, the Romanian director I was hoping to see didn't show up, hopefully he should at the projection next Thursday. Tonight I'm going to see a movie about contemporary dance - "Birthday" by Jiri Kylian, in Amsterdam. In April the Grands Ballets Canadiens have a show choreographed by him, I got the ticket before the unemployment ordeal started.

MARCH 8, 06 - SOMEDAYS ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS

1071 days ago

And it feels like I was cursed or something. From Monday to Wednesday I worked in a film production company as a receptionist, I was supposed to do it for 4 weeks, 3 days a week. Not much money but enough for rent. Today they let me know that Monday there will be an ex-employee coming, who's also enemployed and is a mother, etc., etc. As if it wasn't enough, I got another letter from the unemployment agency saying they won't pay me at all because I didn't send them the form asking me for the schedule of my master courses. As I didn't subscribe to any course yet, only made an admission request, of course I didn't fill it out.

So tomorrow I'll go there again with the list of all jobs I applied for and the damn form.

It's hard to keep from crying, actually I am crying, as right now I only see closed doors around me. It's hard to keep hope and keep fighting, by myself, not knowing how will I pay rent next months. God is my only hope, knowing that He never let me down so far.

MARCH 4, 06 - ONE DAY AT A TIME

1075 days ago

I decided to keep my head up and try to live for the day, continue fighting and thinking about what needs to be done now. And let life take me where it wants. I know one thing for sure, I want to do that communication master. And I'm ready to take the sacrifices it requires (mostly financial).

So I have to survive until autumn when I'll be a student, then I'll see.

MARCH 2 - DEEP DEEP DOWN:(

1077 days ago

Why?

After seeing that great flamenco show with Nuevo Ballet Español from Madrid - all vibration and lust for life? Flamenco is pain, flamenco is joy, alone, in couple or with others. It is a dance about feeling intense emotions and expressing them with all your energy and convictions. A dance about being alive and screaming it out loud...with all your body. This company is good too - two young dancers are the leaders and their whole team is just as young and convincing. Simple costumes, beautiful lighting, gifted musicians.

And last Friday - the Shen Wei experience. First Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" - geometrical and in shades of gray, abstract dance following only the musical phrases without trying to tell a story. Then "Folding" - visually amazing, with harmonies of white and red and black, slowly moving on Buddhist incantations.

And after this - Damian Nisenson's kletzmer jazz - an Argentinian musician I met the Sunday before in café, during a debate in Spanish about the World Social Forum.

So why am I down? Well, my bank account is running low (again!) because the unemployment didn't pay me since January 19. I made the mistake of working as a hostess at the Car Show, and leaving after 3 days, Jan. 20 to 22. Penalty of 1 week pay. It took them 3 weeks to call me to find out what happened and then they called the hostess agency. Then they found out from the employer that I might go back to study. No one is admissible for unemployment unless one is continously looking for a job. So Wednesday I went back there with a list of potential employers, dates and jobs I applied for. Hopefully it should satisfy them and eventually payment will come soon enough.

A friend is helping me out with the tax calculation. News! I have to pay $500 for the public medical insurance and about $800 because the 2 hotels where I worked calculated my taxes as if I was getting money only from one side (the smaller the amount, the smaller the taxes).

I wanted to start a course already this summer, a professor I met from Uruguay is giving it, it could be part of my later master. I don't think it would be possible anymore...need a job and quick. And guess what? That's not easy either.

So here I am: $1300 debt by end of April, no credit cards, no money getting in, just fear, worries, anxiety. Feel the world is a jungle and I'm so lost in it. More than ever.

FEBRUARY 18, 06 - SMALL GIFTS OF LIFE AND LUCK

1089 days ago

I won a ticket to a Flamenco show - Nuevo Ballet Español, can't wait to go tonight! I exchanged a few messages with the San Antonio community from Padova and their Toronto branch sent me Il Messaggero di Sant' Antonio (which happens to have a couple of interesting articles about Italians around the world) and a 2006 calendar.

I'm progressing with my volunteer work with kids.

Dark side - my unemployment aid didn't pay since January 19 - they are "studying" the file and we'll "let me know" soon. Only because I worked on January 20-22. My mistake. Now they say they don't have enough info about the circumstances and that's why they're delaying. Of course when I have to pay the bills I cannot tell them I'm studying the file.

I re-wrote my resume in a more academic form and put together a master project draft - next week I'm meeting the program director and afterwards I will submit my papers. I got some social communication books from the library. The more I read about it, the more passionate I get. I feel I'm doing the right thing.

Got some contemporary Romanian literature, also from National Library, I'm eager to know who are the new voices and the reality they create or describe.

TODAY - JANUARY 10

1128 days ago

One of the few days in my life when I didn't set foot out. I spent my day on the computer, looking through job offers, chating to my brother and my mum. I cleaned a bit around the house too, had a late breakfast around 11:00 and a big salad at 5pm.

My habits have changed completely and not for better. I'm wasting too much time and I should find reasons to go out. Monday I just paid a visit to my Lebanese friend Gazou and Anne Sophie, who's a young American diplomat, joined for a girls' chat. Had some Havana Club rum Gazou brought from her Xmas trip to Cuba.

Tonight my Haitian upstairs neighbour visited me - Patricia. It was the first time, before we just had brief encounters. She has a Master Degree in Communication from here and it didn't help her much.

I'm thinking more and more to work for a NGO, as communication doesn't give many opportunities to foreigners to enter the work market.

Tomorrow I'm going to see the photographer who took my retro pictures, I'm looking forward to it.

Talking about pomegranates last night with Anne Sophie, she mentioned this was the fruit Hades gave to Persephone to get her to stay in the Underworld. I had completely forgot about it.

JANUARY 9, 2006 - HERE AND NOW, DRAWING THE LINE FOR 2005

1130 days ago

The week in the mountains was rather quiet, less time outside than I wanted, anyway we were in a house area, on the hill, in the forest, but all roads and nothing else. We went on the slide a few times, which was fun anyway, and walked to the village.

Going to bed too late (I couldn't have slept because of the noise anyway), waking up in the middle of the day, eating and drinking all the time. After New Year we were fewer, so we had some nice/smart ass talks around the fire until night was turning into day. I got to know a few more Romanians I feel close to: Delia, Amalia, Bogdan and Calin.

I guess I'm over the time when making noise was a kind of fun. I need to do something, playing cards and giving punishments to the losers all night wasn't appealing at all. Anyway, time flew and on January 4 we came back. I was out for a bit more than two weeks, plenty of time to cut off with reality and getting ready to start all over.

DRAWING THE LINE FOR 2005: above all things, I LOST MY FATHER, August 29, and this cannot be changed. We never spent enough time together and I know every now and then the gaps in our relationship will hurt as deeply as ever. I had to go to Romania for one week - except the 3 days by the sea it was quite stressful, too much pressure that continues because of the inheritance. I miss my mother and sister a lot.

I started WORKING on January 24, up to November 18. Ten months during which I haven't learned much on the job, just earned a living and got able to put on paper my first Canadian experience. Overall I think it was a win/win situation.

I MOVED BY MYSELF August 27, and I like my place. I had almost nothing and with my souvenirs hanging on the walls, a few gifts, second hand and Ikea stuff, I managed to give it a cozy and original look. I never lived alone before.

Many of the FRIENDS I made upon my arrival stayed on and I keep on meeting great people (like my newly acquired Brazilians). My Spanish conversation group became a funtastic group of friends.

I had a tentative RELATIONSHIP with an anglophone from Ottawa that didn't last long - different mentality and culture after all. I learned from it and now I'm focusing on myself as life is too short. Grew a bit bitter maybe although inside I'm still a big sentimental.

I VOLUNTEERED for the Festival of Films about Art, the Nouveau Cinema Festival and the UN Conference about Climate Changes which allowed me to see a few good movies and meet a few good people.

I TRAVELLED three times to the Adirondacks (US) and went hiking there, few times to Ottawa, two to Quebec City, saw a bit more of the Montreal surroundings, learned a bit more about Quebec and Canada. A really beautiful country, a bit far from the world though. Ended the year in beauty with a 9 days trip to New York and Philadelphia, a good reason to see some old times friends.

NOW I need to find another job and go back to school in autumn. The rest is under control.

DECEMBER 8 - SELF QUESTIONING

1161 days ago

Had an interview today, for internal communications inside a clothing company - originally Dutch, but the Canadian frenchise have been bought by one of the American fashion empires. So comes they have hundreds of shops throughout Canada and about 200 employees in their head office. It would be interesting getting the info to the shops, do the seasonal brochure, but after all - it's a superficial world and has nothing to do with my aspirations and longings. Become a corporate animal? I'd rather not, thank you. But what if there's no other way?

I sent a couple of resumes more, one of the jobs really interests me: international marketing agent for a sustainable development counselling company, in Hull/Ottawa. I'd really like to work in this field, return to school and become a consultant myself, in time. Besides they consider Spanish is a plus, next to the mandatory English and French. I'd be ready to move for it. I will place a follow-up call next week.

After a few years I could apply for the United Nations...yeah, keep on dreaming, Anto.

I think I will still do a certificate in Project Management anyway, who knows? Everything is pending right now. Tick-tock, maybe one week more and I will know what's next.

Didn't write much with all this free time I had. The volunteering at the Conference took some time too. I haven't done much, I listened to a few interesting speaches, saw a good doc about alternative energies, learned more about Arctica and its inhabitants, the Innuits.

Last night I was speaking to a Belgian diplomate, I guess he was flirting with me a little. Miss Cinderella...I was thinking about the huge amounts of money spent on hotels, flights and food for this conference. Is it really the only way to get things moving? All these people travelling up and down, getting paid huge amounts, flying business class, eating in gourmet restaurants (all expenses paid of course) and sleeping in 5 stars and boutique hotels. Deciding with their bright brains about world's future. Yuck...give me a break. Is there really no way out?

NOVEMBER 19, 2005 - JOBLESS AGAIN

1181 days ago

I guess my boss didn't really like me from the very beginning, and she prepared herself very well, until she found new staff, that would always say yes, even when she's not making sense.

I have to admit those guys are nice and maybe the whole environment would have improved, on the other hand I was looking for something else anyway - they didn't know. So I admit somehow she was right, like the way she put it, that I don't belong in Sales and I should look elsewhere. "My performance didn't match the company standards" - I'm there since January, with her since April.

I know her inner motivation was that I was talking back to her, because she never worked in hotels before and was making some obvious mistakes. And the idea of working in airlines client service just made me laugh. She's very well connected in this field and offered to give me a hand. And a letter of reccomendation. Like she was so happy to get rid of me that she would have done anything. She advised us that if we don't comply with her instructions she will tell the owner that she cannot work with the respective person. So she did it.

Long story short: winter's here and it's not the best time to start looking for a job. Besides, what to do? I don't want to know about hotels anymore, and in winter this business goes down in Montreal. Jobs posted on the net get hundreds of resumes. I called all possible people, to look through their acquaintances - it's the best method here.

I also consider going back to study for one year, with a Government loan. It's a costly solution but long term it might bring more satisfaction. I just have to see how feasible it is, in order to start in January.

Maybe it's for the best, according to maître Pangloss (aka Voltaire): Everything is for the best, in the best of the possible worlds.

OCTOBER 31ST, 05 - STILL HERE

1199 days ago

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Knocking at my door, looking for sweets, around 8pm: my Pakistani or Sri-Lankian, or Indian, or Bangladesh (didn't ask yet) neighbours - a mother with a baby boy and a sweet 7-8 years old girl - dressed traditionally, with their colourful attires, from warm and mysterious Asia!

Didn't have any candies, apologized, closed the door...and remembered I have Belgian chocolates in the fridge, kept them since May, for some special occasion. I was about to miss it! I went out, they were still there, I offered them chocolates. No one of us has nothing to do with this Irish or whatever celebration, but if it helps neighbours to knock at each other's door, means it's great!

Apart from it, I had a long week-end: potluck and birthday parties, gym, Botanical Garden with Chinese lamps(see photos) - life is good. Work sucks - I don't have an office anymore, somebody came from maternity leave, got her chair back and because of new hirings I was left out, exilated in the back of the hotel reception, were there was a free computer.

This job is really a school of humiliation, every day I feel like standing up and bloody leave...but how am I going to pay the rent?

OCTOBER 25, 05 - AM I RUNNING OUT OF TIME?

1204 days ago

Life…trying to breathe and feeling trapped in a round bowl. Suffocating. Saw yesterday that round bowls are forbidden in Rome now, according to specialists fish might get blind and they don’t get enough air. Wandering and wondering which way to go to finally to get to the surface. To get a motivating job. The only field I was properly trained in is communication, and all I encounter here are closed doors.

Been travelling for so long, but never trained to work as a travel agent. Have been working in hospitality, but never went through a sales or administration training. Confined inside myself, with all this knowledge I find useless. I’m living in a world of specialists and I am a sublime dilettante, a deposit of memories and thoughts nobody needs but me.

OCTOBER 21, 05 - TOO MANY QUESTIONS...

1209 days ago

I guess the book I'm reading: The Book of Restlessness (O livro do desassossego), a great existentialist erratic work of the Portuguese Fernando Pessoa doesn't help much. It preaches the only way to keep yourself intact is to withdraw as much as possible from the world and keep on dreaming. I guess I always had escapist tendencies (inherited from my father, maybe?) - ignoring real life and its responsibilities and finding comfort in books, films, thoughts, theatre - paralel illusory lifes. Pessoa's character theory is that everything is a dream anyway, and it's so silly to take anything for real and run after happiness.

Seeing many films at the Festival du Nouveau Cinema - the third movie internation festival in 2 month here! The symbol is a she-wolf - la louve, a black wild silhouette contrasting with a white dog in a leish. Makes me thing about Herman Hesse and his Steppenwolf - living at the border, not agreeing with social rules, and not being able to live outside of it. Had a chance, as a festival volunteer, to peek at the backstage of it.

A bit disorganised, or rather looks like organised in a hurry, with pretty basic means. With two other festivals before, sponsors had too much to choose from. People working at the welcome desk and press room looking very "artistic" - like not quite neat, opposing the images we get from other international film fests. Bon, I'm coming from a country where people spend far too much money on clothes and care about appearance, so I grew habits too

Anyway, saw one great movie: Something like happiness, from Czech Republic, I guess one of the best about the disorientation we're still going through in the East. The others, from Iran, Bulgaria, Lebanon impressed me, but didn't touch the bottom of my heart. But they've been speaking to me about all these different cultures and countries with so many problems, that still manage to maintain a good artistic level, which I find admirable. Haven't seen a Romanian film in quite a while, wondering if some good directors made it. I guess so, as one I cccasionally met a few years ago got the Gold Bear in Berlin for a short last year and Un certain regard in Cannes for his latest film.

I started looking for another job, as this way towards the industrial suburbs and back every day is torturing me. Plus the boring job per se, I'm getting claustrophobic and frustrated. I've been used to open spaces in the Caribbean Anyway, it looks like I am more marketable, now that I have the famous Canadian experience, but only in certain fields. And competition is fierce, I applied for a job with TV5 - the French international community TV channel, and found out they got 500 resumes...forget it.

Losing patience, wasting too much time with chat and e-mails, feeling my energy level goes down...that's no good. I have no solution but keep on trying. Here the best way to find a job is the people you know. And the ones I know are not that well connected...

At least I like the appartment and I can relax home. To be continued...

August 2nd, 05 - Emptiness

1289 days ago

Sometimes I feel everything I read or watch is there on purpose...I feel such an urge to give a sense to my live. Just saw The Edukators, about these young German anarchists that break into rich villas and move furniture around, put it in absurd positions (hanged a statue...) and leave notes like Your rich days are finishing...and You have too much money.

Childish fun, somehow, dangerous...we all need adrenaline, they think they make a difference against globalization and capitalism, the other dictatorship.

Made me wonder what can I do about my life, because I need to do something, chase these feelings of futility and uselessness, of being an ant amongst others. I just comply with the system, I need to try to make a change, even if it is at a basic level. This is my main problem lately, I have no attachment to anything, life is too light...The Unbearable Lightness of Being - great book. The three years on the ship were the long break I needed to get to know myself, away from the patterns we grow up with.

Now I need to act, enough of learning to grow up. Growing up hurts (remember Alice in Wonderland?), sometimes you're too big for the space you have to live in. But I'll find a way, once I'm looking for it I'm half done. My own way.

May 22, 05 - Existing

1361 days ago

I am what I am continously becoming - the being, adding every day new shades to my colourful personality, getting rid of some of them that don't match the pattern anymore.

So...what I've been up too, these few weeks: Started seeing someone, sometimes, as he is in Ottawa. Do like him, distance is a matter of time too, sometimes I'm doubtful, trapped in my cosmopolitan Eastern European immigrant scheme. Worried about this feeling that everything is so temporary in my life right now: house, job, friends, who knows if I will settle here, who knows if I'm done running around the globe? In Romania we're used to live for long in the same house, same city, have lifetime friends, here people change much more often the town, the appartment, it's true that nothing really belongs to us here on Earth. But I'm more vulnerable here and now, because there is really no one I can rely on, or maybe there are a few people, but I don't want to admit it.

Anyway, I really want to make it work, every now and then on the week-end, tried long distance unsuccessful relationships before, maybe short distance, same country would be better. Especially because we seem to look at the world through the same window, have similar lifestyle and interests - including other people, their lifes, ideas, cultures, the will to help when necessary. I guess this is what most matters to me now when looking at somebody, not just the attraction, having a good time together, but the deeper motivations, what moves us through life. Bottomline - if we both put a little effort in it, this relationship has no reason not to work out fine.

Trying also to figure out my life - what I really want to do, need to look for another job in autumn, I will move soon with a Romanian friend, until September, then finally alone. Bought furniture, for the first time in my life, not cheap, but cheap quality doll furniture from Ikea, so breakable but nice looking. Actually when I was little the doll furniture I inherited from my mom's childhood was real wood - how ironic.

I have a few groups of friends, Romanians too, mostly very mixed though, go out a lot. Hopefully if weather gets better I shall go out of the city, I miss Mother Nature soooo much, although the trees in bloom all around Montreal help a lot. Spring here is an explosion, maybe because it comes so late too.

Gotta go now - Brasilian music time, tomorrow we don't work - Queen's day!