When you ask yourself

It's quite an interesting endeavour to live with one's self, learning to know which of your whims are acceptable or not, for you, and not for the sake of others. Interesting to question your choices and either you are what you do, or rather not, you're keeping your true self aside, waiting for an opportunity to let it out.

Last week I've seen "Tetro" by Francis Ford Coppola, beautiful visually but heavy, redundant and symbolistic on the story side, mixing love and power, Greek tragedy and Freudian theories. It is a powerful film indeed, very intense, but that's due in great part to its splendidly achieved gloomy ambiance, in a black and white run down Buenos Aires. Alden Ehrenreich is too much Leonardo di Caprio and Vincent Gallo bears a ressemblance to Joaquin Phoenix, lacking his force though, he seemed quite cold and unresponsive to me during the whole film. Maribel Verdu and Klaus Maria Brandauer were too much for them, while Carmen Maura played a cliché. To my great joy and surprise, I saw two Romanian names on the crew list: Cinematography by Mihai Malaimare Jr. and Production Manager Adriana Rotaru.

And I felt an urge to look for "Youth without Youth", the film Coppola made in Romania, with Tim Roth, Alexandra Maria Lara and Bruno Ganz, seconded by great Romanian artists, some of them (Mircea Albulescu for instance) playing silent parts. As the story of Mircea Eliade itself is very intricated, it is really hard to come up with something better. The film follows the original plot with just a few changes, sporting good performances, especially on the side of Tim Roth (as usual, I would say) and again, hauntingly beautiful images, using light and shadow in many interesting ways. Mircea Eliade uses love stories a lot in his writings, but they are mostly just a base for the development of his esoteric theories of existence. His characters seem to be rather prototypes than real people, made to comply with his demonstrations.

Strangely enough, both films deal with the difficulties of writing, "Tetro" with creative and "Youth without Youth" with scientific. Both Tetro's family drama and Dominic's study on the origins of language go unachieved, and the two films deal in a certain way with the scope of life. What do we live for and how much are we defined by either our actions or our actual creations. Is life worthy and meaningful if we leave a lasting work behind says "Youth without Youth", or shall we rather count its importance by the events we went through? In "Tetro" the creative act is actually seen as cathartic, liberating and unifying, as the two male characters are finally brought together, after fighting about it. This was what I was left with, to me the dominating father didn't seem that important, as much as Tetro's refuse to face his past and subsequently himself.

I was left pondering on this issues and the way they relate to my life, but I guess this is part of who I am, constanly questioning myself.

28 NOVEMBER 2006 - SOMETHING LIKE HAPPINESS 806 days ago

Why people call themselves unhappy or happy? What's this elusive happiness? If only we could understand it's a fake, hollow word, it doesn't exist.

We think we would be happy if...and then a long list follows, including material, sentimental and spiritual conditions. And then because one of them is not fulfilled, we are not...HAPPY. We think we have all the rights to feel miserable because of lack of this and that. Because we take happiness as a long lasting state, but life itself is constantly changing, so there's no state of permanence.

I wonder who invented this concept - the unattainable perfection. Instead of striving for serenity, peace of mind, contentment, we strive fot the impossible and make ourselves - UNHAPPY, because we think there is more in the bag for us, but we have to have it all, at the same time, until the end of our life. (HAPPY END? )

I don't think we are here to be happy, we are here to give a sense to our life, and then we will feel fulfilled.

So I'm trying to make up my mind and expel this word from my vocabulary and imagination. Fill myself up with joy for what I have: interesting studies, comfortable job, caring friends, a fantastic family (my younger siblings are growing into beautiful persons as adults - smart, honest, kind, active).

I'm very excited about my master thesis subject: Murga uruguaya, the more I read about this social form of art, the more I want to learn. So I'm planning to go to Montevideo/Uruguay and spend a longer time there in 2008. My professor - Carmen Rico de Sotelo is an extraordinary gifted woman - with warmth, intelligence and an open-mind.

Through my studies I found descriptions of modern capitalist societies, whose vision is constant progress, oriented exclusively towards future (past is a curiosity for museums) confronted with the fundamentalist, traditional organizations, that cling to the past. They all ignore present, except groups of people, here and there, that live too much in the present, with hedonistic tendencies - life is for pleasure. It's hard to find a balance between the different dimensions of time.

I'm enjoying a light present, sustained by a rich, eventful past, looking towards a bright future. I guess I forget sometimes and get depressed, but this is part of the game too.

N.B. Something like happiness - Title of a Czech movie I saw last year - Stesti(by Bohdan Slama).

AUGUST 28, 06 - SOMEBODY DIED ON AUGUST 24

898 days ago

CRISTIAN NEMESCU - Romanian film director, born in 1979, died in a car accident. Someone I never met, who made a few short movies, won prizes and was probably full of dreams and hopes. He was filming his first feature, California Dreaming, with young Romanian actors and Armand Assante. A comedy.

May his soul find peace.

JUNE 12, 06 - SHIP MOVIE, TRIDIMENSIONAL DEEP SEA, SWIMMING POOL

975 days ago

THE LEGEND OF 1900...sounds familiar to anyone? La leggenda del pianista sull'oceano? A film by Giuseppe Tornatore, with Tim Roth, based on the book of Alessandro Baricco? Somebody defined it as "hauntingly beautiful" and I totally agree with it.

Haunting like a ghost, through the beauty of the images and the strangeness of the subject. For the big question marks, the blurry existential issues, the brilliant performance of Tim Roth (remember the Pulp Fiction fast food robber? or the bellboy in Four Rooms? most recently the bond agent in Don't come knocking? Maybe also Izzy in the Million Dollar Hotel). Of course it touched me in a special way because I lived on a ship myself, rocking with it, being awaked by the anchor at times, working, sleeping, eating, laughing, crying, loving - at sea. Only the character of 1900 doesn't know the sea, he never gets on land...or in the water. How can someone love the sea without feeling its embrace? This is one of the movie questions, because this genius pianist doesn't hear the "voice" of the ocean, its call, its shout.

And lately I've been asking myself if I shall go back, listen to the mermaids' song and sail back into shiplife. The answer is in the movie: this means giving up the world, ultimately giving up life. Not me.

Right afterwards some friend took me to IMAX movie theater to see DEEP SEA - a tridimensional film shot in the Caribbean Sea and the Pacific Ocean. I saw many old friends: fish, corals, sea turtles, even an octopus. Some beautiful sequences - oh, the amazing grace of jellyfish!, some funny - like the fight between some big kind of shrimp and an octopus, some touching - the turtles or moonfish being cleaned by smaller fishes. Got even more nostalgic.

And today I swam for an hour in the 25m pool at the Olympic Stadium. Felt like heaven, being in the water again! Last time I swam it was the Black Sea, September 4th 2005, right after my papa passed away

Three different phases all leading to the same spot.

I MISS THE SEA! I MISS MY THREE YEARS IN THE CARIBBEAN! BUT I WON'T GO BACK!

JUNE 10, 06 - OVER BOILED GNOCCHI

977 days ago

Two nights ago, looking at a great German movie "Nackt" (Naked). Three couples, getting together for dinner and getting naked, body and soul. Sharp dialogue, replies were flying like arrows, I was mesmerized. I know so much about being in a couple that I should be living with somebody Romeo y Julieta no eran de este planeta.

Got semi-bad news from the university concerning the master: I'm only on the waiting list. The one before the last, therefore my ego is not really flattered. Maybe I should stop waiting to become somebody and leave peacefully with the idea of being nobody. With a big N. Miss Nobody. Having an average life and be a good secretary.

Or go back to ships, I keep having dreams about me being on board. Not about islands and fish, no, just the ships. The big white tin cans.

I'm not Abel, I'm just Cain/Open up the Heaven, make it rain.

He's lying, he's Tom Waits and he's great.

It's raining anyway. What if my life will always be like this? Just wandering through it, no status. Ah, ah, ah, ah...staying alive, staying alive.

"siento, vivo, pienso
que más puedo pedir."

I feel, I'm alive, I think - what else can I ask for? asks Jarabe de Palo.

A million dollars...hotel, filled with people that feel and think, a bit disconnected though

MAY 23, 06 - ROMANIANS OF MY AGE ARE CREATIVELY ALIVE AND KICKING, WHAT ABOUT ME?

995 days ago

I was impressed by two pieces of info these two days.

1 Catalin Mitulescu, that I briefly crossed in Romania, has a film in the "Un certain regard" section in Cannes. "THE WAY I SPENT THE END OF THE WORLD". He won a big prize with a short one - Trafic, in 2004. His wife, Andreea Valean, wrote the screenplay for both, she's also a theater director and a playwriter, I heard about her plays before, but I didn't know she was the Andreea I saw once or twice in my life, at some birthday party. They both are about my age. Apparently Martin Scorsese and Wim Wenders were involved in the production of his latest film.

2. I got the "Diary" of Sorin Stoica as an Easter gift from Romania, sent by my uncle. I started reading it, then, looking at his bio, I noticed he studied at the same Faculty as me, also worked there and...passed away this very January, being only 27! Looking him up on the net I noticed he wrote 6 books before.

Now, looking at myself I realize that if I was to die tomorrow, that's not much I would live behind. I realize my generation in Romania started being very productive, coming up as strongly creative and definitely having something to say. After a long troubled period, that generated a lot of beautiful energies. Waterlilies grow from mud.

I accumulate a lot and give out nothing.

I do have to kick my own ass and put myself to work. Write, be here, 100%, without wasting myself anymore.

Partly because of people like Sorin Stoica, who found the wonderful resources to defy disease and death and stay with us through his writings.

APRIL 17, 06 - ITALY, THAT'S AMORE

1031 days ago

Had such a nice time this Easter holiday.

Friday - The Via Crucis (Way of the Cross?) with a Catholic worldwide association - Communion and Liberation, founded by an Italian, Don Giussani. Then a trip to a "sugar shack" (traditional Québec food and music, in a wooden house in the forest, where they gather the maple syrup). All in the sun, very enjoyable.

Saturday - there was a ceremony at my church, there were around 10 Romanian priests, all dressed up and the Bishop came, all the way from the USA. He was greeted by some four people dressed traditionally, carying bread and salt, according to the customs. Simply beautiful. Then a short trip on some mountain - St. Hilaire, nearby Montréal. Under a small rain, but still great to spend time outside and breath fresh air, enjoy the landscape, the village alond the Richelieu river. The company was also awsome, all Romanians, 3 girls and 2 guys. One of the guys invited us all for dinner and cooked - so nice of him. We might become closer friends quite soon, I'm not hurrying anywhere though. I'm glad we have a lot in common, but I prefer to take my time.

For the rest of the night I went home with my great friend Saj (Sajani) who lives in Cambridge now and was just visiting. We spent time talking and watching my photos. I realized once again how much I missed her and what a great time we have together.

Sunday - had breakfast and lunch with Saj, then met up for coffee with my friend Marcela from Argentina and her friends. One absolutely gorgeous, stunning. But I would doubt we have much in common. A bit too main stream, I guess. For dinner I met my Italian speaking friends Patrizia and Valérie and we joined again the Communion and Liberation for a great potluck, that ended with songs and merriment. It was a great occasion to meet also my Italian friends, mostly from Milano, who introduced me to the group. Before going home I passed by my new Romanian friend's house and we watched "Mystery Train" by Jim Jarmush together, then he took me home (what did you imagine?).

And tonight I had the pleasure to go to the Marco Calliari concert "Al dente". His parents are from Northern Italy and he's playing mostly Neapolitan music. Bellissimo! Very positive and energetic. So I'm in a great mood!

APRIL 12, 06 - THE THREE BURIALS OF MELQUIADES ESTRADA

1037 days ago

A touching movie, rough at corners and tender inside, with a pinch of humour and tenderness. It's a movie about death and redemption, about identity (my favourite subject) and what it takes to face our own demons.

MARCH 29 - CRAZY TIRED

1050 days ago

I didn't get into a get-to-bed-at-a-proper-time routine yet, so waking up every morning and dragging myself to work (it takes 20 minutes now that I'm downtown, one bus only!)

Plus - had a friend (female:) over for a movie and dinner Monday; Tuesday movie again - utterly funny and smart TRISTRAM SHANDY A COCK AND BULL STORY by Michael Winterbottom - and dinner with my friend Andrea that's leaving for France and Sam from India, in a great cheap Indian restaurant, had vegetarian thali; Wednesday had my French pupil over for an hour than ran to a friend's place for tea and chat. Judith is amazingly gifted, originally in financial management and paiting, she's now preparing her own beauty products and does pedicure. I'll try to help her with some selling text ideas.

Tomorrow - Jiri Kylian choreography for Grands Ballets Canadiens. A friend lost his father and Friday evening I'll have to go quite far to see him at the chappel.

Saturday I don't want to stay up late, I danced enough on tables at Café Sarajevo the one before.

MARCH 19, 2006 - FATHER FIGURE

1060 days ago

So, the visiting Romanian director has been told about who's daughter I am, and he knew my father personally, having an "interesting relationship" with him. I avoided the subject as I didn't want to get into details. I prefer to be known and judged by who I am here and now.

I saw many good films in the festival, but I noticed I got deeply touched by the ones telling the life story of famous men who neglected their families: tango musician Astor Piazzolla, superb Chilean poet Pablo Neruda and Ingmar Bergman, one of my favourite film directors. I cried in the dark of the cinema, as I was thinking again about my father, the impossibility to go back, to try again.

Ingmar Bergman even said remorse is not viable, as it is a way for yourself to feel pain, by no means comparable to the one your kids had to feel.

So I take another deep breath and try to put my demons to a rest.

I also have to live with a pressure of having to do something about my life, giving it a sense. For me, not for my father, but as part of me is from him... I'm 31, not too late, yet, but time is running.

Back to Ingmar Bergman...he made so many films, and still, he prefers theatre, but movies being spread all over the world, this is the label he has to bear.

On the Färö island, alone in his nice Swedish country house he waits to close accounts with time, fighting with memories, fears, age. He said many things I feel myself, like the demons will torment you in the inside, if you're out, you're free. I think nature has this healing power. He also said only musicians, profets, saints tell us about the outer world. I'd say any gifted artist does. And it takes skills to create art, but also skills to feel it right. I would have liked to have a chat with him... foolish me.

MARCH 18, 06 - THE FESTIVAL IS ALMOST OVER:(

1061 days ago

My interview with Laurentiu Damian went very well, too bad is restrained only to a local Romanian newspaper, he has many interesting things to say and a passionate, touching way to say it. One can feel he cares about people, art, his professions: film director and university professor. About the people he pictures in the movies and the people that might see it.

His film touched me deeply, first of all it is a poem, not a biography, dissection of the artist's life. The objects created by Onisim Colta, his story - alone in the theatre attic, surrounded by heaps of disparated objects, the poems of Anghel Mora (another film director who left us not long ago), the voice of Romanian famous actor Adrian Pintea, the poetry of the images, all brought together under the magic stick of the sorcerer. Any director re-creates the world according to his own soul and mind and Laurentiu Damian is a poet, who sees the world through the lens of the sensibility and the unspeakable. The film is poem to creation, who transported me to another world, the imaginary world of Onisim Colta, an artist in Arad, thousands of miles away, who hidden in his attic wroughts out of broken things wonders of the form.

MARCH 14, 06 - BACK ON TRACK?

1065 days ago

Unemployment paid, the full amount since January 15 to now. My volunteer job at the International Festival of Film on Art allowed me to spend a few moments with some talented people I picked from the airport. Not a long time...but still quality time.

I also met a film director from Romania - Laurentiu Damian, he has a film in the festival. I knew him since I was 18...attending the free film direction classes meant for future students at the Theatre and Film Academy. I found him fascinating then - smart, cultured and passionate. I also saw and liked one of the two fiction films he made, in 1992, since then he kept on making only documentaries (see his picture in my spring photos!). And we also had the same French teacher - Sanda Mucha, a very nice lady. So 13 years after I have the opportunity to talk to him in Montreal. He's 50 now. We talked for almost an hour, I found he didn't change much. Just a bit bitter - things in Romania aren't going swell on the films side either. I found him sensitive and warm.

So I gathered 4 other people to go see his short film about a Romanian craftsman/artist Thursday. It occurs to me that finding people with whom to make documentaries would be great - a way to reunite many of my passions and qualifications. My master in communication is at the same location as the media school. Looking forward to September and studying again.

I also have an interview for a job on Friday...so it looks like things settle. I wonder though, I'm a bit afraid to think things are starting to make sense.

MARCH 10 - ONE DAY IS FINE AND NEXT IS BLACK

1070 days ago

This is the real problem - the ever changing situation, I'm adjusting myself to certain circumstances and in no time they change, and not for better - porca miseria. Yesterday I went to the unemployment office, kind of dizzy, super nervous, in the fainting, not the agressive way. I gave them the paper they were asking for, a form inquiring about the courses I might follow. As there's none, at least until autumn, there's no relevance, but we have to comply with the procedure.

I found out the data the agent I saw last week entered in the computer was saved elsewhere than supposed, so the agent judging my case didn't see it - so now he will have to revise it again! And hopefully Monday release the pay. We're living in a kafkian society, like the purpose is to not make sense.

I do hope to find a job in about 2 weeks or so...

The International Festival of Film on Art just started, I was yesterday at the welcome desk at the Arts Museum, the Romanian director I was hoping to see didn't show up, hopefully he should at the projection next Thursday. Tonight I'm going to see a movie about contemporary dance - "Birthday" by Jiri Kylian, in Amsterdam. In April the Grands Ballets Canadiens have a show choreographed by him, I got the ticket before the unemployment ordeal started.

FEBRUARY 12, 06 - MONTREAL BLACK CULTURE AND WHAT'S NEW IN ROMANIA

1095 days ago

BLACK CULTURE I went to the presentation of 2 films about Montreal Haitians on Friday night, within the Black History month.

http://www.tohu.ca/activites/calendr...

About teenager mothers "Les petites mères" and a rap singer "Au nom de la mère et du fils", coming from a poor neighbourhood. Montreal doesn't have ghettos, only poor areas, a bit more hazardous to walk around at night.

The recently appointed Governor of Canada - Michaëlle Jean, herself a Haitian and former resident of quartier St. Michel was there too. Her mother came alone to Montréal with her two daughters, and Mme Jean became a brilliant journalist, after language studies, being appointed last year as Governor. Her husband is a documentary film director, they both had to give up French citizenship when she took over her new function.

Although it is more of a symbolic function, I was impressed that the former Prime Minister chose a black, French speaking, former immigrant woman for this position. A lovely lady - very modest, bright and fun, I did enjoy her speech. She is also very good looking, the classy way.

About St. Michel and Haitian community - well, in Bucharest there are plenty of the same kind of stories. Unfortunately. I do admire those girls though who decided to keep their children, they were 16 or 17 when they became mothers - it is a tough life. And most of them were supported by their parents, which is even more admirable.

ROMANIA In a local Romanian newspaper (published by 2 former university colleagues) I found news about the corruption trial in Romania. The former prime minister (Adrian Nastase) is accused, together with some other rich&famous. I'm glad this is happening and I hope it will keep steady, at least to get rid of the big fish. Because to eliminate corruption is a dream(Canada just went through a sponsorship scandal involving the Liberal Party that made this one lose the last elections)

BLOGS Parallel - jumping from blog to blog (some people link their to other people's pages) I started reading 4 Romanian ones.

- a former colleague from the Faculty of Journalism, presently a web developer in New York
- a Medieval history researcher - 26 yo, presently in Poitiers, France, full of wit and knowledge, from whom I'm learning a lot about Romanian "alternative" history
- a young teacher at my former faculty, who's passioned about e-media and seems to do great
- a 21 years old student in Journalism - smart and fun, who opens me a window towards young people's life in Romania. Very similar to the one I used to have 10 years ago

It's funny how somebody's blog can be a gate to a different world, especially somebody completely unknown.

FEB 08, 06 - SIMPLE JOYS OF LIFE

1099 days ago

Coming back from a movie - documentary about two street living québecois teen-agers in Vancouver, after coming back to Montreal, camping in British Columbia and ending up in Vancouver once more, Dany committed suicide. He was born in 1987 - 18 year old. His girlfriend is 17.

I got in a bus afterwards that was decorated with balloons and Xmas tree red girdles, all the way to the back, in front of the driver there were some peluche toys and next to him candies to be taken away. I asked him if he's celebrating anything. "Sure, Valentine's day, I do it one week in advance. I always decorate my bus for any kind of celebrations".

You know what? This guy is one of the best people I met! He's celebrating life actually, even at work, in a bus. He wants to brighten everyones day. He succeeded with me. I wish Dany met him too.

FEBRUARY 2, 06 - EXISTENTIAL BLAH

1105 days ago

I shouldn't read what turns me off... Like "La noia" (The Boredom) by Alberto Moravia. Similar somehow to the "Étranger" of Camus. A guy who's completely detached from life, who finds no purpose in anything, doesn't relate to any object, person or activity. Just before that there were "Le cosmicomiche" (Cosmicomics) by my idol Italo Calvino.

Ouf! I guarantee these are not the best lecture for somebody who's unemployed. Calvino made me feel suspended between the billions of years before and after my life, a dot lost in the infinity of the universe. And Moravia, with his characters deprived of feelings - that's even worse. I started again writing my memoirs of Italy in French, this stimulates me, although nostalgia is hard to bear too.

Not many happenings I have to say. A very good Argentinian movie last Tuesday (Abrazo Partido - Lost Embrace), and on DVD "The Pianist" - Polanski, "Contempt" by Godard (from "Il Disprezzo" by the above Moravia) and "Kadosh" (Sacred) about an archi-Orthodox Jewish community in Israel and its contradictions. A gay friend from France was visiting, so Saturday night we ended up at "Sky" in the Village - the funny gay district. Latin music and queens downstairs, dance music and Québec transexuals upstairs. I find it weird to see a couple of guys dancing salsa. We had fun.

The Art Museum opened an exhibition brought from the Russian Ermitage museum. Catherine the Great (she was German by the way) and her times. Will have to see it next Wednesday. This week-end - German friend international birthday party, "Dracula" musical Québec version (I was invited) and my usual monthly Flamenco show.

Oh, I forgot to mention last Sunday hike on my neighbourhood mountain. It's really cool to have a forest hill right in the middle of the city. People go cross country skiing, snowshoeing, snowtubing and skating. The best part was that I had to do it with my long coat on, I managed to broke the zipper of the short one See the pics.

OCTOBER 21, 05 - TOO MANY QUESTIONS...

1209 days ago

I guess the book I'm reading: The Book of Restlessness (O livro do desassossego), a great existentialist erratic work of the Portuguese Fernando Pessoa doesn't help much. It preaches the only way to keep yourself intact is to withdraw as much as possible from the world and keep on dreaming. I guess I always had escapist tendencies (inherited from my father, maybe?) - ignoring real life and its responsibilities and finding comfort in books, films, thoughts, theatre - paralel illusory lifes. Pessoa's character theory is that everything is a dream anyway, and it's so silly to take anything for real and run after happiness.

Seeing many films at the Festival du Nouveau Cinema - the third movie internation festival in 2 month here! The symbol is a she-wolf - la louve, a black wild silhouette contrasting with a white dog in a leish. Makes me thing about Herman Hesse and his Steppenwolf - living at the border, not agreeing with social rules, and not being able to live outside of it. Had a chance, as a festival volunteer, to peek at the backstage of it.

A bit disorganised, or rather looks like organised in a hurry, with pretty basic means. With two other festivals before, sponsors had too much to choose from. People working at the welcome desk and press room looking very "artistic" - like not quite neat, opposing the images we get from other international film fests. Bon, I'm coming from a country where people spend far too much money on clothes and care about appearance, so I grew habits too

Anyway, saw one great movie: Something like happiness, from Czech Republic, I guess one of the best about the disorientation we're still going through in the East. The others, from Iran, Bulgaria, Lebanon impressed me, but didn't touch the bottom of my heart. But they've been speaking to me about all these different cultures and countries with so many problems, that still manage to maintain a good artistic level, which I find admirable. Haven't seen a Romanian film in quite a while, wondering if some good directors made it. I guess so, as one I cccasionally met a few years ago got the Gold Bear in Berlin for a short last year and Un certain regard in Cannes for his latest film.

I started looking for another job, as this way towards the industrial suburbs and back every day is torturing me. Plus the boring job per se, I'm getting claustrophobic and frustrated. I've been used to open spaces in the Caribbean Anyway, it looks like I am more marketable, now that I have the famous Canadian experience, but only in certain fields. And competition is fierce, I applied for a job with TV5 - the French international community TV channel, and found out they got 500 resumes...forget it.

Losing patience, wasting too much time with chat and e-mails, feeling my energy level goes down...that's no good. I have no solution but keep on trying. Here the best way to find a job is the people you know. And the ones I know are not that well connected...

At least I like the appartment and I can relax home. To be continued...

September 25, 05 - Am I too much?

1235 days ago

Being told I am, by several guys that never met each other but whose presence made a difference at some point in my life (one is just a great friend)...I felt today sometimes I'm too much even for myself. Sometimes I'm having a hard time trying to manage all my thoughts and feelings.

I have too many worlds inside, and their combination with the real one makes life hard to bear.

I saw a Czech movie today: City of the Sun - the bittersweet kind, I came out smiling by myself - then I thought how close I am to this Eastern world, it's a special kind of laughing and crying way of living that makes us go through all troubles. I suddenly missed home.

Then I remembered how emotionally close I feel to Latin-American films, and how challenged I am by the sophisticated ideas vehiculated in the Western European movies, and I started wondering where do I belong.

This way I started looking inside, to all this worlds that try to live in peace inside me and I saw them filling me up to the point where it was hard to bear with it.

Then I understood what my friends and lovers meant...if I can't put up with it, how could they do it?

September 23, 05 - I remembered...

1238 days ago

...the other things that crossed my mind yesterday, especially under the influence of Quo Vadis, Baby (italian film, originally a book, the title is a quote from The Last Tango in Paris by Bertolucci).

I think I'm esentially a nostalgic, grew up in an old house, beautiful but falling apart, close to the historical ruined center of Bucharest, studied in old schools up to the age of 18 and fell in love with the image of the interbelic Bucharest (basically the 20es and the 30es).

Those were the golden days - beautiful neo-classic and cubist buildings, the emergence of a neo-Romanian style, arts, culture and industry were flourishing. My grand grand grand father immigrated from northern Italy (Veneto area) to Romania looking for a better life.

So looking at that dark movie filmed mostly in the city of Bologna, unknown to me, and showing briefly my beloved Roma, I realised how much I am attached to the beauty of the past - the way it is now, no when it was bright new. I like faded gold, chipped furniture and tiles - things that show they have a past. I like decadence, I feel the fast pace the world has now, all this new shapes in design that make me think about a waiting area in a hospital are isolating me.

It doesn't mean I like gloomy ambiance, I love the big windows and light - I just feel maybe I would have been better off living in a different time, where there was less plastic in the world, when fashion was not changing over night and things were made to last.

Just spoke to one Chinese housekeeper, she was cleaning the toilets - she spent four years in Roma before coming here, so we shared for a few minutes our memories of the Eternal city.

August 15, 05 - summer starts to fade away, changes are about to come...

1276 days ago

Still had some gorgeous Saturdays out of the city: in the mountains in Adirondacks, USA, on July 23 and 30, 6 of August in Québec city and nearby Montmorency water falls, two days ago on the shore of lake Monroe in the beautiful secteur La Diable of the Mont Tremblant parc. Hiking, swimming, lying in the sun, oh, who could ask for more? Mountain paradise, after the tropical Caribbean one.

Saw another great, nevertheless depressing film: Saraband, by my beloved Ingmar Bergman - anatomy of the complicated fibers of human soul: love, hate, selfishness, dependence/independence, involving a man in his 80's, his ex-wife who's 63, his son being 61 and his daughter 19. Three generations, two men, two women, intimate cinema, naked souls, it torn me apart, but sometimes we need it.

It just occured to me that I'm some kind of grown up little mermaid, knowing the ways of the world, unable to stop being myself, even if I know it's gonna hurt.

How can a woman who's 60 still believe in the man who cheated on her 30 years before? How can she still be there for him and ready to give it another try? Where does she find all that tenderness, patience, forgiveness? And how comes that after all these years he still haven't learned? The film maker himself is in his 80's, so he knows what he's talking about...and like a critic said, the very last image: Written and directed by Ingmar Bergman leaves you with a bitter taste...maybe you'll never see this again, on a new release.

So much about this...also to be seen "Me and You and Everyone We Know" - an independant American film that's excellent: bittersweet, tender and sincere. All here and now.

As about changes, tomorrow I'll go pick up my keys from the new appartment...I'll start moving a few things myself, then the big MOVE will take place August 27. I've been by myself since July 9, when my roomie went to Romania. In the summer you hardly feel it, always out doing something. I need to live alone, to get my life organized, paying the bills and all...time to grow up a little more. A little more bitter also, without diminishing my natural state of enthusiasm, I can be enthusiastically sad or depressed too.

Going back to "Saraband" - I'm so tired of this people that don't know how to express themselves, who are afraid of feelings, because they might hurt and grow old and bitter and selfish, and are awkward when they try. They might reach out for a moment, get a bit of human warmth then go back to their cave again - how pathetic. I like to leave my emotions to the bottom of the glass, burn it to the end, why would we have a soul then? Modern people invented extreme sports and rave music excitement because of poor emotional life.