The in-between

I am kind of settled now in an intermediate state, about three months after landing again in the land of unaccomplished promises, so full of resources and resourceful people, seemingly unable to stop going from bad to worse. I wonder how much is this the fault of our inability to get rid of Ceausescu's camarilla, the very same people that took him down so they can get more comfortable contemporary design armchairs under their butts. After all the two parties that are now disputing the power: PD-L and PSD derived both from the National Salvation Front, to me it looks like a two- headed dragon. We have no real civil society to stand-up against them, our intellectual like their own comfort more than anything, and even if they chose the hard way, who would join them?

Of course I am glad to see the positive changes, a cleaner, cuter city, more flowers in public areas, nicer taxi drivers and sales people in small shops and fruit/veggies stands. As for the restaurant services, they are as lousy as ever, the waiters don't seem to know what the word service means. There are some recycling procedures in place, but not everywhere, in my area for instance I saw just a few very small containers and the population couldn't care less about it. There are cycling lanes in some places, but few people respect them. In general there is a carelessness about what goes on out of the someone's personal area, no awareness of the public space and goods. The roads are terrible, including the sidewalks, some places seem to have been bombed recently, there are streets full of sand since I came, but for sure one of the reasons is that nobody complains, nor tries to find out what's going on. Romanians are used to be disconsidered and treated like shit and they respond in the same manner.

My trip to Spain was really pleasant, seeing ancient comrades from the cruise-ships times and two of the women poets I met in la Sierra Mixteca in 2007. I liked Madrid, but I didn't have a crush on it, Valencia impressed me more with its variety of life stages: old city, beach, the ancient river bed that became a park and the airy City of Arts and Sciences by the one and only Santiago Calatrava. I think I got a better, more balanced idea of Barcelona, with its good and bad sides. I would definitely like to live there, assuming all the unavoidable risks. Sheri-D and Éliz enlightened my stay bringing it a new multicultural dimension, beyond the poetry that brought us together. Canada, what I learned and what I lived there, will always be from now on part of what I am. The Great North and the Inuit culture still make me feel regretful for not making it up there.

Right now I consider trying my luck in Catalunya, I just applied for a PhD and already got a one-way ticket. I have no clue about what's in store for me, I am taking it one day at a time, cleaning the old house of the lot of crap that got accumulated here over the years, by four generations. Sometimes the sadness paralyzes me, I cry and I despair, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I miss my dear departed ones and I feel lonely like a street dog on an empty alley at night. But it is a mandatory period, in a waiting room, I needed to stay home for a while, spend time with my family and friends and figure out things. After so many years living and working with people from different countries I feel estranged in Bucharest, I have to be in a city of more cities.

E la nave va

So I want to leave Canada and go live in an European city of my choice this time, close to the sea, not too far down South or up North. Oh yes, the crisis is still ravaging the business and consequently the job market. By the way, I'm also 35, a little past the age of looking for my own true self around the world and back.

Oh, no! What a crazy idea living this cozy comfy existence of mine, my boyfriend (who can follow me if he chooses to do so), a nice apartment (that I rent anyway), my cat (that I can take with me), this secure and safe job that bores me to death, the many friends of many cultures that I've known for only five years maximum and have to deal with their own lives anyway, like anyone else on this planet. Five years were not enough to grow roots here, and a passport doesn't buy any feelings of belonging or being home. Of course I will miss some people, but being here I miss my friends back home and in other countries. The balance is never even.

Yes, it is a risk, but it occurred to me last night that this is not a one time decision. A while ago I decided once and for all to take risks, to swim against the current, to draw my own path, regardless of what did Mr. X and Mrs. Y. I took a risk when I went to Lisbon in 1997, fresh from university, to work in a Duty Free Shop. Then to Turkey as a waitress on the very pretty island of Büyük Ada, across from the fascinating city of Istanbul. About two months later I was in Athens for the whole of November and I managed to see the Minoic Knossos palace, an old dream of mine. In 2001 I left a career that just started to blossom and I stepped up on a cruiseship and became a qualified seaman aka foreign languages sherpa at sea and on the Caribbean islands.

Canada followed in 2004. I have never been here before, but it was one of the few countries that received immigrants based solely on your request and background. It didn't work out, I'm not fit for North America which is not fit for me. And it doesn't mean Montréal is not nice or Canada is not a beautiful country. It is a marriage that was simply mismatched, also because it was a long distance decision. So I want to try to settle in an European city that this time is not the first opportunity that arrised, but a conscious choice, why should that be bad? How many Romanians left Canada to go to Barcelona? Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar says one of my favorite poems. Maybe it is not the way, but it is MY way and I have to try it, no matter what. As long as there's no matter of life an death, what's the matter?

NOVEMBER 19, 2008 - MY LIFE SERIES

85 days ago

Yesterday at my milonga class (one of the classic tango types of music: faster and merrier) my partner happened to be an older Romanian gentleman - the perfect kind, who would kiss your hand after the dance. He told me he came to Canada in 1991, that was shortly after the fall of Communism in december 1989. His life basically is divided in two big lumps: before and after, here and there, capitalist Canada and communist Romania. I started thinking about how many big slices my biography had. This morning I happened to read the blog of a kindergarten fellow of mine and strangely enough he was making a balance of his life too.

So I decided to count and tell about the several series or seasons I lived through, that range around regime changes and travels.

SERIES I
COMMUNIST ROMANIA

There was a before 1989 until I turned 15. Even if my mother divorced when I was two, I was a child and teenager surrounded by love but harassed by all kind of shortages imposed by the communist coercive system: food, clothes, entertainment; power, water and heating cuts whenever they pleased. Classrooms were many times cold in winter and I remember that at home the four of us: grandma, my mother, my sister and I were sleeping in the same enormous bed at some point, so we can heat well at least one room. We also had to use a camping stove for cooking during the coldest times of winter. The final blow came when my grandma left in 1987 to West Germany and died two years later, just six months before the big political changes.

SERIES II
TRANSITION ROMANIA

Up to 2001 I lived amidst the contradictions and confusion of a transitory period, that still continues. We were all struggling to figure out a new way of life, after the euphory of what we thought was freedom. But freedom also brought indecision, doubt, too much perspective and not enough knowledge to fill it up. I went to study journalism at the university because I failed my cinema direction exams. Probably today I won't. While a student I worked as a translator, tourism guide and events (political and commercial) hostess, I also experienced a bit of press, radio and TV. When I finished, in autumn 1996, I ended up with a secretatry job that I deserted in January 1997 - that year I was mostly out of the country, somehow I managed to get small jobs in Lisbon, Istanbul and Athens, without planning to do so. This way I managed to learn Portuguese and a bit of Turkish. Somehow that year, as I've been going through hard times and rewarding moments, I grew up more than ever.

When I got back, my professional life really started in December 1997, first with Ludgate Woodstock, a temporary joint venture between two British PR agencies specializing in financial communications. We worked mostly on a national information programme about stockmarkets. I had a great time travelling throughout the country and meeting local press, radio and TV journalists: Iasi, Deva, Hunedoara, Drobeta Turnu-Severin, Targu Jiu, Slatina (the saddest city I have ever been to), Pitesti, Ramnicu Valcea. I got to see parts of the country I would have missed otherwise. It broke my heart to see how hard people lived in certain cities - Slatina, Turnu-Severin, Hunedoara for instance, especially because they were receiving us very nicely. Later on the company name changed to Woodstock Leasor and then they left Romania. I still keep in touch with Stuart, my first professional manager, an amazing person who taught me and encouraged me a lot.

A few months after I landed at Athenee Palace Hilton as their first PR Coordinator, in july 1999. It was quite exciting to work for a five star hotel, with advertising agencies, photographers, glossy magazines, VIP's, even foreign journalists sometimes, talking French and English at work. I was creating and organizing events, writing press releases and managing press conferences, taking care of all advertising and external promotions. The best encountes were with Franco Zefirelli and Fanny Ardant. But the pay was not too good and after two years I felt there was nothing more I could learn there, my job was really the one of a PR Manager, without the recognition. I was dreaming about going to Italy and study for a master degree - Communications for and with Immigrants and Refugees, at La Sapienza, Roma. I spent all my vacations nel bel paese in 1999, 2000 and 2001, but I lacked funds. And then another story started.

SERIES III
CRUISING THE CARIBBEAN SEA

I ended up leaving the Hilton for Carnival Cruise Lines, based in Miami, the biggest cruise company and cruise industry corporation. I started living and working on a boat on the blue tropical seas as a Purser, a combination of receptionist, concierge and client relations. I hated dealing with complaints, everything needed to be thoroughly documented and followed up. I managed though to come back on my second contract as International Purser, working with foreigners: Quebecers, Latin-Americans and Italians. God, that was good fun!!! I was using and perfectioning all the foreign languages I know, making amazing progresses especially in Spanish and Italian.

The people I worked with belonged to all imaginable races, nationalities, religions and social classes. Most of them, of course, were not from what is called the "1st world". I was living in a mix of Babylon and United Nations, learning so much every day. On the other hand I also learned from the countries, the islands and the cities: Mexico, Belize, United States, Barbados, Puerto Rico, US Virgin Islands, Aruba, Martinique, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, St. Maarten - Tampa, Miami, New Orleans, San Juan, Fort de France, Playa del Carmen, St. Thomas. One of my dearest dreams came true: observe marine life with my own eyes in its natural environment. I still miss the coral, the fish and turtles. I ate flying fish and breadfruit, cactus pears and fresh red snapper, I picked mango and papaya with my own hands or bought them from local markets.

The Italy plan didn't worked out, it died asfixiated by both Romanian and Italian bureaucracies, going back to Romania after the cruises looked like failure to me, so I decided to immigrate to Quebec, Canada. I sent the forms I had downloaded from the Internet to the Immigration office in Vienna, from St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands. They got accepted, then further steps went smoothly, until september 2004, when I crossed the Atlantic once again, to start from scratch on my own, right after I turned 30.

SERIES IV
A LANDED IMMIGRANT IN QUEBEC

I started building on my new life a bit more than four years ago. I cried, I cursed, I wanted to go back so many times...but I stayed, waiting for better times to come. My master in communication is a good reason - it was so enriching, the teaching system is so different from ours, I learned more than I imagined it would happen, I discovered new favourite authors like Marc Augé and François Laplantine. The Communication and development course changed dramatically my vision of geopolitics. I got a mobility scholarship and travel support to go to Uruguay and study the amazing world of murga - the open air musical theatre of the longest Carnival in the world.

Here in Montreal I have friends from all over the world, the opportunity to listen to any kind of music and taste any kind of food it might occur to me. I take tango lessons and occasionally practice my samba skills. I learned a little about Inuits and other First Nations, read a couple of books, saw some movies and a few pow-wow's - there is so much to know about them, knowing deeply about life and humans this way.

For the first time in my life, since July 2008, I live with my boyfriend, a charming, socially awkward and extremely imaginative Cuban draughtsman, maybe we'll even form a family soon.

I made changes, I know this had to happen, but somehow I miss something, and it's not only professional frustration that makes feel like this, nor missing my mother and sister. Deep inside I love Europe and its many ways of life, North America never really appealed to me. Probably another big step will follow...SERIES V, when, where, I don't know yet, but soon and somewhere else.

AUGUST 21 - BACK TO WORK AND BACK TO SCHOOL!

905 days ago

Oh, yeah! I will start my MASTER IN COMMUNICATION studies this autumn

One class Monday morning, one Wednesday evening. Good news then as I came back from vacation.

Which, by the way, was fun-tastic. Plenty of air, I slept in tents all along

Blue lakes, green forests, quiet nights, stunning views, Canada is beautiful, and many of you know I travelled quite extensively before getting here.

AUGUST 1, 06 -VACATION, SALVATION

925 days ago

Three more days and I'm off to Algonquin Park canoeing and camping for one week (with three guys, God knows how am I going to manage being a member with equal rights and obligations! Never went camping in the woods before, went canoeing only once for a short while - this time there will be portage involved too. But I want to do it so badly. Hope to come back in one piece

Then I'm off to Lac St. Jean, 7 hours towards the North, in a friend's châlet near a lake. The area is also called the blueberry country. That will be a relaxing week.

I'm kind of worried about the answer for the master. They are on vacation until next Monday, then I'm out of here for 2 weeks, what if the answer is positive and school starts in September, will I have the time to get organized? I decided to leave a message in their box advising about my absence.

In one month I dated three guys and I don't know which one is worse...the two that got scared of my bubbling plurivalent versatile personality and ran away after two-three dates or the one who wants too much too fast, desert before appetizers? Definitely the fourth one, which I'm attracted too, but doesn't seem to notice or to care.

So there's one more reason to be happy about leaving all this behind. Escapade...leave your worries behind. Canada wilderness...here I come!

JUNE 27 - A MIDSUMMER LONG WEEK-END'S DREAM

961 days ago

About beauties of Québec - also known as La Belle Province. I discovered another charming corner this 3 days week-end. In the Eastern Townships, nature unfolds its overwhelming beauty: forests, lakes, mountains, all glorified by the bright summer sun.

Some great friends, beautiful and talented sisters Vania and Carina, invited all their comrades to celebrate the Summer Solstice at their cottage, in the middle of an untrimmed meadow, where grass and flowers grow up to the waist and fully flavored juicy wild strawberries invite you to kneel and pick them.

Sometimes I had the impression of wandering in a field Monet painted, preceded by the bright long hair of Vania and Carina floating over the grass and crowned by huge straw hats. Or talking to a portrait painted by Gainsborough.

The gang was fantastic, like a changing puzzle, people coming and going, a few musicians, who played guitar and sang, one was composing a different song every day, claiming it to be a "classic".

We swam in the lake every day (a bit chilly on Friday), took posession of a diving boat anchored close enough, turned its radio on and lied on the deck under a bright sun. The Memphrémagog lake is deep, clean, and it stretches down to the US, surrounded by thick forests. The Owl's Head mountain peak looks above it.

I had my two breakfasts on the deck overlooking the meadow, sun shining and birds chirping. Every evening there was a barbecue, and everybody was sitting around the big table, having a feast, eating from Wedgwood vintage china. Saturday night we went out to see the stars and watch the brief glimpses of the fireflies crossing in the dark.

Behind the house there's a forest, a creek runs through it, ending up in a pond. I saw footprints of deer and racoon on the bank. I sit there Sunday morning, on the moss under the trees, reading poems by Ungaretti in a loud voice, accompanied by the birds and sound of the water caressing the stones. Also had a romantic interlude there on Sunday afternoon, kissing someone I just met, the ambiance was very inviting.

Who could ask for more? You tell me.

May 21, 06 - I'M FED UP COUNTING MY MONEY:(

997 days ago

I found out Friday that I'll get 2 weeks holiday, although I started working with this company only at the end of March. My first reaction was to check the flights for Spain in June, imagining they would be cheaper than the rest of the summer. Wrong! Nothing less than $1200. Keeping in mind I want to start a master in September and buy a laptop soon, it's not the best idea. I'll probably do something around the Belle Province - Québec's surname. Patience, patience, for how long still?

I feel so frustrated though, it's been years since I'm planning to go see some of Spain and I kept delaying it for the time/money reasons. From the holidays point of view, the usual 2 weeks plus the distances don't make Canada a livable kind of place. I love travelling and I don't see myself being limited at 14 days a year, for at least 5 years, within the same company. Then I would get one week more, and after 10 years, 2. If you change company - back to starting point).

Europe - I miss it so much. Although I have to admit my quality of life, culture wise, foodwise, is better in Montréal than in Bucharest, due to more variety of choice. And I'm not allowed to live in E.U. yet. Maybe next year.

I do realize emigrating to North America at 30 and not at 20 raises an adaptation problem. My personality and tastes are already built up and not prone to change. Maybe if I already had other values and longings. But I don't, and I feel I can't find myself here. Anyway, I still have two years to decide, and destiny has its twists and turns

FEB 08, 06 - SIMPLE JOYS OF LIFE

1099 days ago

Coming back from a movie - documentary about two street living québecois teen-agers in Vancouver, after coming back to Montreal, camping in British Columbia and ending up in Vancouver once more, Dany committed suicide. He was born in 1987 - 18 year old. His girlfriend is 17.

I got in a bus afterwards that was decorated with balloons and Xmas tree red girdles, all the way to the back, in front of the driver there were some peluche toys and next to him candies to be taken away. I asked him if he's celebrating anything. "Sure, Valentine's day, I do it one week in advance. I always decorate my bus for any kind of celebrations".

You know what? This guy is one of the best people I met! He's celebrating life actually, even at work, in a bus. He wants to brighten everyones day. He succeeded with me. I wish Dany met him too.

DECEMBER 10, 05 - NICE BRIEF ENCOUNTER

1159 days ago

Last week when volunteering, at a hotel welcome desk, I met this "character" I might say, as he is more than just a person or a man, or gentleman. Mr. K, like in the Process.

First of all, he's an amazing mixture of Catalan, French and Italian, speaking all these languages perfectly, plus English and some Portuguese, so our conversation was winding through their nuances and enchantments.

As he was very busy with the conference (on behalf of Catalunya - Spain), we decided to go out this Friday. I wanted to show him "my" Montrèal. Started with a Brazilian/Cajun (New Orleans style, from Acadian/Northern Québec immigrants that went down there) food fare: softshell crab, seafod gumbo, alligator and coconut sauce fish - the Bahia way they say. The restaurant is literally invaded by green plants. There are a couple of tacky alligators too hanging around, but all together there's a nice ambiance and the food is rather decent.

Went for coffee and dessert at Les deux Marie - a French coffee shop I love on St. Denis, then got to a well hidden jazz bar (underground) on the same street La Kemia. The jazz was just finishing around 11, so after some more chatting we ended up until 3am at Cafe Sarajevo, another favourite spot I haven't been to since July.

Usually they play gipsy music from Yugoslavia, quite commercial at times. I saw in the newspaper there was a L'Esprit d'Istanbul concert, and I'm quite nostalgic about Turkey. The concert was over, in theory, but the Turkish drummer wrapped around his hips one of those coin decorated dancing scarves and started whirling and shaking, with guys playing drums, guitar and accordeon. A surprising excellent performance.

I got home and straight to bed about 4.

Saturday we went for lunch and a bit of wandering in the same area I like: Mont Royal - St. Denis - Duluth. Santropol - a community fun, colourful, warm café, where they serve no alcohol, but nice coffees and fruitjuices and healthy organic food. Dessert was Portuguese, in one of the numerous bakeries of the kind in the area. All people serving were Portuguese, as well as the ones sitting next to us. Pastel de nata, an orange tart and a sweet potatoe mini-cake.

Then a visit to 10.000 Villages - a fair trade shop, with crafted products - mostly decoration, few clothing items from all over poor countries: Latin America, Africa, Asia. Lots of colours and textures - a real pleasure to look around and buy a few items.

We spent a quick hour at my place looking at pictures and telling more of my life stories.

Then I went for dinner with my Spanish speaking Montreal friends and he went for more jazz with a colleague and people he knows here.

I ended up in Cafe Sarajevo again, with a Norwegian friend - Petter and an Armenian Turkish - Loerna. This time the music was on - kind of pop/folk Turkish, still had fun.

Bottom line - I had a great time, so much smooth communication, he travelled all over the place and has some kind of extraordinary family, an excellent talker, enthusiastic and empathetic, I felt like I knew him since ever. And that we can go on talking forever A special kind of connection that doesn't happen every day. He's taking a plane today, hopefully we shall meet again on one of life's winding roads.

DECEMBER 8 - SELF QUESTIONING

1161 days ago

Had an interview today, for internal communications inside a clothing company - originally Dutch, but the Canadian frenchise have been bought by one of the American fashion empires. So comes they have hundreds of shops throughout Canada and about 200 employees in their head office. It would be interesting getting the info to the shops, do the seasonal brochure, but after all - it's a superficial world and has nothing to do with my aspirations and longings. Become a corporate animal? I'd rather not, thank you. But what if there's no other way?

I sent a couple of resumes more, one of the jobs really interests me: international marketing agent for a sustainable development counselling company, in Hull/Ottawa. I'd really like to work in this field, return to school and become a consultant myself, in time. Besides they consider Spanish is a plus, next to the mandatory English and French. I'd be ready to move for it. I will place a follow-up call next week.

After a few years I could apply for the United Nations...yeah, keep on dreaming, Anto.

I think I will still do a certificate in Project Management anyway, who knows? Everything is pending right now. Tick-tock, maybe one week more and I will know what's next.

Didn't write much with all this free time I had. The volunteering at the Conference took some time too. I haven't done much, I listened to a few interesting speaches, saw a good doc about alternative energies, learned more about Arctica and its inhabitants, the Innuits.

Last night I was speaking to a Belgian diplomate, I guess he was flirting with me a little. Miss Cinderella...I was thinking about the huge amounts of money spent on hotels, flights and food for this conference. Is it really the only way to get things moving? All these people travelling up and down, getting paid huge amounts, flying business class, eating in gourmet restaurants (all expenses paid of course) and sleeping in 5 stars and boutique hotels. Deciding with their bright brains about world's future. Yuck...give me a break. Is there really no way out?

June 20, 05 - Summer goes on...

1332 days ago

...and off. After the sticky days followed the rainy days. And now it looks like it is finally back on track. And I'm learning to enjoy Canada, I'm finding out ways to be happy without swimming and watching the fish and turtles.

Mum is happy here, we've been walking around quite a lot, up and down Montreal: wine and cheese home meeting my friends, Brasilian restaurant and live music, Old Montreal by night, and the week-end in Ottawa with her highschool friend (and my adoptive mother here .

We went to the Museum of Civilisations, learned a lot about what's really around here: the Haida, Iroquai, Mic Maq, Algonquin, Innu (Eskimo) nations, called politically correct First Nations and not Indians. It's a great place to be, they recreated the whole environment, like theatre or film scenography, and the Haida art is so impressive, similar to the New Zealand Maori one. They lived by the Pacific, in the actual province of British Columbia, and we hear more about the East Coast nations, so it was a real discovery for me. The guys who designed the museum knew their job, they created the building around the concept.

Yesterday we went to Lake Philippe in the Gatineau area, and had a barbecue with the extended family for Father's Day. I went canoeing for the first time and had my first swim here - in a mountain lake. I love water, it lifts up my spirit right away. They say you are what you eat, I should be a shell, a fish or a shrimp then

This week-end we are heading to Quebec City and Tadoussac, where the views are told to be breathtaking and you can even see whales. Before mum leaves we're going to a Tango Flamenco show, all the way from Spain, 25 dancers and musicians on stage.

And the week-end after I'm supposed to go camping and swimming by another lake, provided the weather is good enough.

I'm still not happy with my job, and with such job there's no way I could ever be.

I will have to move again in September, then look for another job, then, probably in January go back to school.

As for romance...I think I still need time by myself to see where I'm standing here. And take it easy, which is far from being in my character, but it becomes mandatory, according to my personal statistics and history. I have plenty of other things to keep me busy or entertained. And I guess from this point of view the Canadian experience might be quite a challenge.