FEBRUARY 10, 2009 - THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING STRIKES AGAIN

2 days ago

Now that I'm done with my master I feel anxious once more. I wonder where I'm heading to. I can't surrender to routines, to making no effort but just let myself be alive. I need a sense of purpose. I can't really complain about anything. I'm healthy, I share my comfy nest with a sweet and smart man and my job is secure in an insecure global environment. I even make more money now that I got a contract and I don't work anymore through a placement agency. I can do whatever I want: gym, theater, cinema, brunches, lunches and dinners. But I feel restless and unfulfilled. And no, I don't want a child right now, this is not the issue.

I might start making up a bimonthly travel newsletter for a big agency back home in Romania. It would be fun, I like playing around with names, places, descriptions, photos. It would even produce extra dough. It won't be enough but it's a new start. Before the next big jump. Here, there...I can't tell yet.

I only have to be patient and hopeful, live for the day. The idea of going back to that dear old, traffic jammed, noisy, dusty and falling apart Bucharest is getting more and more attractive. Because my smart funny mom is there, my hardworking introvert sister, my careless and big mouthy brother. Because Europe and its low cost short flights are at hand, so I can visit my friends in Italy, Portugal, France, Spain, even Sweden and Lithuania if I feel like. Because there I might get the chance to feel greatful for doing a job I enjoy and I know how to do best, something that would allow me to mark every day like a step forward. Why am I always looking elsewhere for the right place to be?

Everyone around is busy talking about the crisis and how Obama signifies big change and how he could make big changes himself. Meanwhile my life goes its own way. Things don't look too good back in Romania, economically and politically, but it depends what you're looking at. The press there likes alarmism too, shouting about negative things and also eventually distracting people from the corruption and former-communists-still-in-power issues. Top models married with sugar daddies make the first page of most glossy magazines. It's an absurd country but certainly not a boring one. I suppose by the beginning of the summer I'll make up my mind.

Then we have to travel to Cuba in July/August. And I have to get back to writing, now that I got the time.

Until then, Johnny Walker...keep walking.